What Is ‘Pebbling’ and Why Are Teens Doing It? (2024)

Communication with teens can be challenging. And receiving any sign of affection can also sometimes feel impossible, particularly after you say “I love you” to them, and you are met with just an aloof “K.”

There’s a new way teens are communicating with their parents and loved ones that appears to be breaking the emotional barrier. (Maybe not fully breaking, but it is creating tiny little cracks in the facade.)

It’s called “pebbling,” which is often used to describe a romantic relationship but has been crossed over into other types of relationships, including between parent and child.The term originated from the actions of gentoo penguins in Antarctica, who were observed presenting rocks to each other as a form of courtship. The rocks symbolized a desire to build a nest together.

Pebbling, in its current trending form, refers to little signs of love or affection that are gifted to a friend or a loved one that you think they would enjoy. It now often comes in the form of memes, GIFs, or social media videos that you would send to someone to help brighten their day.

"Recently I learned that the act of sending your friends & family little videos and tweets and memes you find online it’s called pebbling, like how penguins bring pebbles back to their little penguin loved ones," an X user recently wrote in a viral post.

There can be many pros to this and experts say parents can also benefit from engaging in some pebbling with their kids.

Why 'Pebbling' Can Be Positive

If you’re wondering why kids are sending endless memes and videos via social media, you’re not alone. But in today’s world, experts say pebbling on social media has become a way for them to connect, strengthen interactions, and show affection.

Not only does pebbling feel good for the person on the receiving end, but it can also trigger a positive chemical chain reaction in the sender’s brain as well, according to Cameron Caswell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist and mom of a teen.

“When you perform a kind act,your brain releases dopamine,a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure,motivation,and reinforcement," she explains. "Feeling recognized and valued gives the receiver a surge of dopamine too."

Of course, there are also benefits when the affection is shown through a tangible object. “When you see the joy on the recipient's face after receiving your thoughtful gesture, your brain releases oxytocin," says Dr. Caswell. "This hormone fosters feelings of trust, empathy, and bonding."

The more “good feelings” each party experiences, she says, the more likely they will repeat the act, “triggering the release of more happy hormones, creating a cycle of kindness.”Dr. Caswell recommends encouraging your teen to pebble others when they’re feeling down because it could be a powerful mood-lifter.

Parents can also do it. Something as simple as a little meme or a song could go a long way, making the bond with your teen more solid.

My sister Francesca consistently participates in pebbling with her two teenagers. She said it is common to feel disconnected from her kids, who often see her as “uncool” or “cringe.”But she says instead of taking it personally, she has embraced the dynamic by sending self-deprecating memes and reels that poke fun at the parent-teen relationship.

“My kids might roll their eyes at first, but they always end up laughing and sending back funny responses,” she says. “It’s become a fun way for us to bond and keep the lines of communication open.”

Dr. Caswell agrees. “Affection, in any form, is a vital building block for strong bonds with teens,” she says. "It shows you see them and care about them. A well-chosen meme or GIF can be a playful way to show you're thinking of them."

'Pebbling' For Neurodivergent Kids

The act of pebbling isn't new and it's long been used in the neurodivergent community. It can be a positive way to show affection, particularly to kids who are neurodivergent, as it helps them connect with loved ones in a meaningful but comfortable manner.

“Chapman’s five love languages are typically exhibited by neurotypical individuals who may not necessarily have the same sensory needs or thought processes as neurodivergent individuals,” explains Aly Resnick, LMHC, LPC, ACS, owner of Tree of Life Counseling Center in New Jersey.

She says many neurodivergent children will naturally demonstrate affection in ways that are particularly meaningful and personal to them. Think infodumping and parallel play. "These are all ways of communicating affection from an individual whose brain thinks differently than a neurotypical person,” she explains.

While some of the pebbling actions by those who are neurodivergent may appear “lazy,” it’s actually the opposite.“It is not lazy, but rather thoughtful and demonstrates unique insight into their loved one's interests and the personal connection they have," Resnick says.

She cautions that as with all forms of love languages, getting used to pebbling and simply identifying it as such may take some time.

Cons of 'Pebbling'

“In a 'perfect' situation, the giver and receiver of a pebbling action both understand the meaning and intention behind the gesture and walk away from the interaction feeling appreciated and understood,” says Resnick.

But that may not always be the case. And excessive pebbling could lead to the opposite reaction, and drive someone further away.

“Working to understand the love languages of those you care about can go a long way toward fostering happy, healthy relationships,” adds Resnick.

How Parents Can Engage in 'Pebbling'

Pebbling can be a way for parents to connect with their teens in a way that feels fun and is appreciated.

In a recent Instagram video, Dr. Caswell posted tips on how pebbling can be used to connect with kids of all ages. She recommends different strategies when exploring ways to show affection, which she says may require some creativity and patience, and breaks some ideas down into different categories.

For instance, with “digital pebbles,” parents can send their kids funny memes, TikToks, or YouTube videos that cater to their humor or interests. “Bonus if you add a quick, personalized message,” she adds. Articles or documentaries related to their passions also fall under this category. Quotes that may resonate with their current struggles can also help show that you, as the parent, have been listening to what is bothering them.

Music, Dr. Caswell says, can also evoke powerful emotions. “Send a song that reminds you of them or a specific shared experience,” she says.

“Real-world pebbles” can be heartfelt notes expressing gratitude for something your child did or accomplished. She recommends post-it notes on bathroom mirrors with short messages, or packing a favorite snack with their lunch with a quick note.Leaving new books from their favorite genre on their nightstand or art supplies on their desk with a note can offer a chance for joint creativity.

Then there’s “experience pebbles,” where she says both the parent and child can engage in an activity together like watching a Netflix movie together or inviting their child to go on a random coffee or ice cream run.

Whatever you choose, just remember this is only a step in building strong connections with your kids. And Dr. Caswell points out that not all the affection that you give to your child may be perceived as such, and it is important to respect boundaries.